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| Image courtesy of James Longhorn |
Chances are you don't give a shit about politics. I mean why would you? For all the supposed drama of British politics it hardly compares to real drama, by which I mean television drama. There might be a lot of sleazy characters and underhand dealings around Westminster, but unlike in Game of Thrones the only knife they’re going to put through your back is a metaphorical one. AKA a boring one.
Voting in MEPs might have a mild influence on European legislation or whether we stay in Europe, but really it’s all just a warmup for next year. Fuck it. We should use the build up to the general election to demand more from our politicians. I want to see George Galloway and Boris Johnson in mortal combat; I want to see the Frackers locking Caroline Lucas in dungeon; I want to see Samantha Cameron birthing a demon to take out Dave’s opponents. I want to see some action, I want to see someone bleed.
But in the meantime the European Election (like winter) is coming, so for anybody who can be bothered voting, here’s a voting guide:
Conservatives
It’s hard to know where to start. Never has Britain had a weaker less effectual government than the current Tory run one. David Cameron’s Conservative Party believes in the worst kind of divisive prey on the weak politics. Outside of Grand Theft Auto, pushing over a guy a wheelchair, methodically taking a crowbar to the wheelchair, then turning to the disabled man, would be nothing short of sociopathic. The Tory’s bedroom tax is basically a financial version of that. Voting for the Conservatives is to be in the crowd egging the monster on: *“hit him, hit him harder”*- don’t even think about it you sicko.
Labour
Remember when Labour was socialist party, defending the British citizens against the meglo-corporate evils of big business? No, me neither- like you I grew up with Tony Blair as PM. In all likelihood Labour will never look back from Nu-Labour. The current breed of Labour politicians are bottom feeding, spineless, unprincipled arseholes- utterly detached from working-life. Right now a vote for Labour means a vote for some greasy-pole climbing former NUS President, their sole reason for joining Labour over the Conservatives was that they wanted to get laid at university. Frankly, it’s wrong to encourage them
Lib-Dems
It’s hard to believe that before the 2010 General Election Nick Clegg was the Don Draper of British politics. Chain-smoking through his morning briefing, seducing beautiful women. Fast forward four years to a shell of that man. A man whose word is worthless, a man schooled in a debate with Farage. Hated by students, bankers, workers, pensioners and pretty much anybody else with a pulse. The Lib-Dems are going to crash and burn, but I’m a compassionate human-being and I just want to give the man a hug- sympathy vote?
UKIP
It wasn’t so long ago that being a UKIP supporter meant you spent your days posting racist comment on YouTube videos, occasionally venturing out of the house to deliver incoherent rants on public transport against the BBC and its ‘loony-left paedophile conspiracy.’ Not anymore. Now UKIP is mainstream. Now being a UKIP supporter means being an immigrant hating, Rule Britannia singing, Thatcherite waste of oxygen. Lets be clear: if you don’t think Nigel Farage can go fuck himself, then you can go fuck yourself.
Greens
On the face of it the Greens have the most sensible policies. The problem is, there’s always that suspicion, that resistance to becoming a ‘Green voter.’ Because, lets face it, Green voters don’t behave like normal people. Normal people don’t ride bikes with baskets on the front; normal people don’t attend council organised diversity events; normal people don’t take their children to music festivals. So sure, if you’re gonna vote, then you should probably vote Green. But remember- though there’s very little to be certain of in that Leeds Fest state of lads-on-tour, 10 pints downed, drug-addled inertia. The one thing you know is you don’t want to see a child. Don’t become one of them.
BNP
Seriously? Fuck off.
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